I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
I want to see his smile and stop
breathing, stop thinking, skip the heart beating
for a second or three
I want a warm glowing aura, dripping sweet
with honey falling from our lips locked
I want the world
to riot and it be quiet
while I'm focused only on him
hazy colors splashing when I
close my eyes, in his embrace
and an intuition so deep, I want
to swallow him whole
and let him sleep in my blood
and I know you know I am
because you can feel this poem
flowing from my fingertips into the folds of your being,
settling somewhere between hope and knowing.
don't give up, my love.
and neither will I.
because I am
and you are
the sunrise will be ours to share
is this really what i want?
for what i love to consume my life, until it becomes a mundane chore?
or will i love it enough to continue to love it regardless of how sick of it i get?
i am not sick of the subject matter, or the people or general lifestyle.
i am sick of the amount of work. not because i don't think i can do it, but because i'm not sure i want to.
i've always wanted a simple life. a job, a husband, and kids. but the job i've chosen makes it difficult to have a simple life unless i only focus on the job. do i want the simple life, but a job i find mediocre or worse? or do i want a complicated life, but have all three wants? trade-offs.
i suppose i will focus on the family when it even comes time for that. but the more i get involved in the all-consuming "monastic experience" that is grad school, the more i wonder how many doors its closing on that family goal....
i at least need my master's degree. so until then, i ford.
I want to settle somewhere
I want to breath in the moist matter, the exhalations
of leaves, the whispers of the brook, and the quiet tenderness
of a flower opening to the dawn. around me abounds life,
unafraid, simple, and untethered. an everlasting story
of being and non-being.
I want to live and stroll and frolic and lay, serenely
and contemplate the taste of the crisp autumn air on
my warm human lips. I want to watch the sun smile
upon me, warming me from the outside in.
but most of all, I want to dwell in this peaceful place
in our home, shared and content. I want to raise children
in this beauty, and let them discover the wonder that exists
in places unknown
I want your hand in mine, and your eyes at me
brimming with the love of a million galaxies.
let us love in this place: as life was meant to be.
wholly, passionately, and with every ounce of dedication that can be wrung from my swollen heart.
the queen has found her king.
I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. I WILL NOT LET MY ANXIETY MAKE ME BEHAVE THIS WAY.
i will let my anxiety guide me into productive, loving, giving outlets. i will focus my nervous energies into challenging myself and fulfilling goals. i will use my weaknesses as my strengths. and i will have what i want. i want peace. i want calm. i want endless loving silence. and i won't let anything disturb that.
anxiety, you are an illusion. i'm creating you; i can cast you away.
i choose PEACE and HAPPINESS and CALM.
this is going to be big.
but i'm surprisingly calm.
we can do this.